Ignatius Mathias Menelus Phibeus the Third, Little Nate to those who knew him, sat at his desk in his stuffy office, contemplating the gray world outside through the blinds. It was early, and the people outside hurried along. Some, looking at that scene, would see the morning rush, nothing more. He saw the secrets they might carry. Everyone had secrets. Nate had uncovered more than a few in his time. It was enough to know that no one was exactly as they seemed.
He turned from the window to contemplate his desk and the drab closet around it he called an office. Paper lay here and there, mirroring the chaos of his own mind. He had had an assistant for a time who kept him organized, but his practice had hit on hard times since then, and he could no longer afford to pay her what she was worth. All he had left was his desk and this tiny office, and if this dry spell continued, he wouldn’t have that much longer.
He put his webbed feet up on the desk and stared at the lettering on the other side of the glass on the door: I. M. M. Phibeus, P. I. That was a respected name once. Before that day in Chicago. Before one little mistake had changed everything. But that was life, wasn’t it? He reflected on that as he waited for the clientele he didn’t expect he’d see today.
“Whatcha doin’?” Funny Bunny asked, startling Frog out of concentration.
“Writing a story,” Frog replied.
“On a typewriter, I see.”
“Yeah,” said Frog. “I feel more creative that way. Gets me in the right mood.”
“Let’s have a read.”
“There’s not much of it yet.”
Funny Bunny read what there was and looked over at Frog again. “A little on the grim side, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I’m going for sort of a noir tone.”
“Why?”
“I always liked stories with an edge to them.”
“Alright. Just as long as your readers aren’t too depressed to keep reading. What happens next?”
“Why don’t you let me write it? Then you can read all about it.”
“Alright,” Funny Bunny said, holding up his lace caps. “I can take a hint. I’ll get lost. Just…maybe lighten it up a bit. Just a thought.”
“I’ll take it under consideration,” Frog said. He waited for Funny Bunny to walk off and then refocused. It took him a minute to get back into the right mode.
There was a knock on Nate’s door, then, and Nate removed his feet from the desk in surprise. He wondered if it were the landlord coming by to harass him again, but the timing didn’t seem right. Nor did what he saw through the glass, which was nothing.
Before he could decide what sort of person might be on the other side, there was another knock.
“Come in,” he said.
The knob turned, the door opened, and a little girl with brown pigtails and big eyeglasses, dressed smartly in business attire and carrying a folio full of papers, stood in the doorway. She took in the state of the shabby, cramped office with what might have been distaste and entered, setting the folio down on top of the scattered papers on the desk. Nate curiously pulled the bundle toward him and opened it up to examine the contents. She spoke before he could make much sense of what he was seeing.
“I came to you because you’re one of the best at what you do,” she said, “and because I need to be sure of absolute discretion. Your reputation speaks well of you.”
“Some might disagree.”
“I know all about what happened in Chicago, Mr. Phibeus, and we both know it wasn’t really your fault. Anyway, you’re my best hope of finding the truth.”
Nate studied the papers, which all bore a logo containing the letters D and Z joined by an ampersand. It was then that he recognized his client.
“I recognize you. You’re the ‘D’ in ‘D&Z,’ aren’t you?”
“The same,” she confirmed.
“WAIT A MINUTE!” Funny Bunny shouted, and Frog jerked away from the typewriter to see the shoestring rabbit behind him once again. “You’re putting your real friends into your story? Am I going to be in there as well? Am I going to be cool?”
“I’ve never written a novel before,” Frog said. “Putting people I know in there just seemed like an easy way to create characters. Plus, I thought you might be flattered.”
“Only if my character is cool. I’d better be cool. Otherwise, I’ll be giving this book a pretty poor review.”
“Well, I don’t want to say too much about it right now. I was hoping it would be a surprise.”
“Just as long as I’m cool,” Funny Bunny reiterated.
“Okay. I’d like to get back to it if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, yeah, of course, don’t mind me. I’ll just be up there on the bed.”
Funny Bunny hopped onto the bed. Frog watched him for a moment and then turned back to the story. He closed his eyes a moment to refocus, flexed his fingers, and continued.
“It’s not often I get a head of a Fortune One Thousand Two Hundred Thirty-Eight company in here,” Nate said to D. “What is it you need my help with?”
“It’s all in these papers there,” she said. “Those are company documents. Financial statements, deeds to various land holdings, expense reports, and miscellaneous other documents. They tell a story of someone trying very hard to hide something.”
“I’m no accountant,” Nate said. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to make heads or tails of these on my own.”
“I hear you have contacts in all corners. No doubt you know someone who can help you. Read through these. I assure you, there’s something funny going on here. And not in a ‘ha-ha’ sort of way.”
“What do you think is happening?”
“I think someone is hiding an awful lot of money, and I think it has something to do with some of our land holdings. I leave it to you to sort out what.”
“What if I find it’s your partner hiding the money?”
“Let me worry about that,” D replied. “I just need the truth. I think it goes without being said, though, that I prefer Z not learn about this. Not until I know her level of involvement.”
“I know how to be discreet. I do require payment up front, however.”
Dot threw a wad of bills on the table. “That should cover most of your fee and expenses. You’ll get the rest when I get my answers. And here.” She set a slip of paper down with a number on it. “Call me at this number with any information you find. I took a risk coming here, but from this point forward, we mustn’t be seen together.”
Nate counted the bills. “You must really want your answers. I’ll see what I can find. I’ll call you in a week with my progress.”
“I look forward to it. Good day, Mr. Phibeus.”
He merely nodded, and she left. He opened up the folio again and tried to make sense of the papers. All he got for his trouble were dry hands. He moistened them and picked up the phone. It had been a while, but his contact answered almost right away.
“Oi, mate, it’s been a while!” his contact answered. “Got something for me?”
“Yeah, Ollie, something big, I think,” Nate replied. “When can I come by?”
“Anytime. Good to catch up with you.”
“Alright. I’ll be by this afternoon.” “Lookin’ forward to it! Later!”
“Later,” Nate replied. He turned back to the window. He couldn’t read the documents his client had brought him on his own, but if D of D&Z felt the need to come to him in secret, then surely something shady was going on. But then, he had come to expect that from the world.
“Whoa,” Toona said. “That really is grim.”
“Told ya!” Funny Bunny exclaimed.
Frog looked up to see his friends staring at a tablet together. Toona looked over at Frog.
“Why is everyone so serious?”
“He says it’s noir,” Funny Bunny replied.
“Huh. It all looks the normal color scheme to me.”
“How are you reading that?” Frog asked.
“Oh, I’ve got a scanner in place to read the document as you type it,” Funny Bunny replied. “It sends the script to this tablet. Really cool tech. Nice not to have to let all that spy tech go to waste.”
“How do you have spy tech?”
“Irrelevant question. So, is the whole story going to be like this? All serious and dark?”
“I don’t know. I’m going for that sort of tone. Like in the old stories about PIs, you know?”
“Yeah,” Funny Bunny said. “Sure. It’s just…it’s a little dry. I’ll make some notes for you. We can review the notes later. Carry on. Don’t mind me.”
Frog wasn’t entirely happy to have two of his friends review his work in real time, but he didn’t want to fight about it. He closed his eyes, used the meditation technique taught to him in Tibet during an episode of his life not hinted at in any prior episode, and then returned to writing.
Nate set out to see Ollie shortly after lunch. It would only take about an hour to reach his associate if he went there directly, but he had developed a bit of paranoia over the years and wandered a bit just to be sure he wasn’t being followed. At last he reached his contact’s door and knocked. Ollie rang him in, and soon enough he was in Ollie’s sitting room, and the marsupial himself sat easily in a chair, eyeing him with amusement.
“Who’s Ollie?” Toona asked. “That name sounds familiar.”
“Oliver the Bilby!” Funny Bunny asked him. “Don’t you remember?”
Toona nodded. “Oh, yes, of course. Episode the Twelfth. How could I forget?” He laughed good-naturedly. “Oh, Ollie, what times we very briefly had!”
Frog did his best to ignore the distraction.
“Long time,” Ollie said to Nate.
“Wait,” Funny Bunny interrupted again. “So, if the characters are all based on real people, is your name actually Ignatius…uh, I forgot the rest. Here it is. Ignatius Mathias Menelus Phibeus. Did you make that up?”
Frog turned toward him. “That’s just the character’s name.”
“Oh, I see. Well, that’s a weird choice, but you do you. Okay. Carry on.”
“Yes, a long time indeed,” Nate replied.
“What have you got there?”
Nate tossed the folio of D&Z documents onto the coffee table in front of Ollie. “Corporate documents. My client’s sure there’s something fishy in there, but it all goes over my head.”
“Well, let’s see,” said Ollie, taking the folio in hand and pulling out a few pages. “Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. This might take a while, mate. Might as well make y’self at home. Got some tea in the kettle if ya fancy a cuppa.” Nate settled in with some tea and waited. A little while later, Ollie sat up and gestured to Nate.
“Oi. Found somethin’. Come have a look.”
Nate peered at the documents with Ollie, who pointed at a few line items on a financial report.
“I don’t like these real estate valuations here. Several of these are too high. Ventnor…Tennessee…Boardwalk…Reading Railroad…none of them are worth what they’re shown as here. I would know. I’ve spent a lot of time studying the market.”
“So has my client. But why inflate the values of those real estate holdings?”
“Dunno. Lots of reasons, maybe. Possibly to hide other expenses. I’d like to study this a bit longer, if you don’t mind.”
“How easy would it be to hide something like this?”
“In a company that big? You’d have a hard time getting this past Accounting. Someone in that department is in on it for sure.”
“Then I know where I’m going next. I hope to hear from you soon, Ollie.”
“Yep. I’ll call ya soon. Don’t be a stranger, Nate. It’s been too long.”
“Ever since Chicago.”
“Don’t dwell on it, mate. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Is that going to pay off?” Funny Bunny asked.
Frog turned around. “What?”
“That Chicago thing you keep teasing us with. Are we doing to learn what happened?”
“Why don’t you wait and see?”
“Well, okay, but do you at least know already what the secret is?” Frog didn’t answer. “You don’t, do you?”
“I’m still deciding.”
“Well, it better be good, buster! I didn’t buy this story just to be disappointed!”
Toona spoke quietly to Funny Bunny. “I don’t think we paid anything for this copy yet.”
“Don’t change the subject,” Funny Bunny replied to Toona. He turned back to Frog. “Don’t let me distract you! On with the story!”
Nate gave a grunt and a nod and left. Once back at his office, he called D.
“Cracked the case already?” she asked.
“I have some leads. But I need to look into whoever runs the Accounting department there. What can you tell me about them?”
“The Accounting department has two heads. A pair of guinea pigs named Ralph and Smokey oversee everything.”
“Two heads? How does that work?”
“Z thought it would help with accountability. In theory, one is a VP and the other one is the senior VP, but we told both of them they were the senior.”
“Which one actually is?”
“Neither. The HR documentation is complicated. Anyway, they’re supposed to hold each other in check, so either they’re both complicit, or neither is, and I can’t imagine either one would be involved in anything shady. How do you intend to look into them? I’d really rather not just start asking them questions. If I’d wanted everyone to know they were being investigated, I would have just called the authorities.”
“I understand. I’ll be subtle.”
“I sure hope so. Let me know anything you find.”
“Absolutely. Over and out.”
Subtlety. That had never really been his strong suit. He pondered the matter for a while before a brilliant idea hit him. At least, he hoped it was brilliant. He got onto his computer and—“
“When is this set?” Funny Bunny asked.
“Beg pardon?” said Frog.
“When is this set? Maybe it’s just me, but your timeline seems to be all over the place. Cell phones? Computer? I was thinking this was set a long time ago, when gritty PIs were more of a thing.”
“Well, it’s…sort of now-ish, I think.”
“Oh. It’s just, there’s sort of an old-fashioned feel to the story. But nevermind.”
Frog refocused and finished the sentence.
He got onto his computer and logged into his second alias e-mail account. This gambit was a bit risky, but if the marks were true suckers, it might just work.
Manipulating the “From” address to look convincing took a little work, but he’d done this one before, so he had no trouble. The bait was obvious. What would these two accountants want? Probably recognition. That and lunch. Send to both, making sure each saw the other copied, and bada-bing, bada-boom. Time to wait.
The next day, Nate went early to the abandoned warehouse he had picked for his trap. It took a few hours to set everything up, and then he found a shadowy corner to hide in. Right on time, of course, the two guinea pig accountants arrived separately, spotted each other warily, and then spotted the sign outside welcoming them to the regional accountancy conference. They seemed on-edge on entering the silent, spooky, dusty and decrepit building, but a table with treats was just inside, and signs directed them to the “North Ballroom.” They took some snacks and made their way deeper in.
In the middle of the main floor, they found a large bouncy house with a sign welcoming them to the conference. Still wary but nonetheless curious, they clambered into the bouncy house and proceeded to the end of it, where a sign reading “Stand Here” had been taped. They heard a voice behind them.
“Welcome, Smokey and Ralph,” said Nate. “The old ‘keynote speaker’ trick has worked like a charm.”
“So I’m not being honored at this year’s conference?” Smokey asked.
“There is no conference,” Ralph answered him. “We’ve been duped.”
As understanding washed over him, Smokey took out the notecards he had prepared and threw them on the rubbery ground in frustration. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Not so fast!” Nate said, taking a big leap. The rodents staggered. “I have some questions for you!”
“Okay, time out,” Funny Bunny said.
Frog turned toward him. “What now?”
“Okay, points for the fake conference trick. I’ve done that one before.”
“Oh,” said Toona with a mix of understanding and disappointment.
“But,” Funny Bunny went on, “I have some questions about this bouncy house. Did Nate rent it? Does he own it? Was it already there in the warehouse?”
“Umm…I guess he rented it,” Frog said.
“Okay, so what kind of party rental company is setting up a bouncy house in an abandoned warehouse? How is it even getting power?”
“I don’t know. I just thought it would be neat.”
Toona spoke up. “I do appreciate how you’re making use of the fact that Nate is a frog. I had been wondering about the importance of that fact to the narrative.”
“Well, I’m not quite on board,” Funny Bunny countered. “I’m not sure it makes sense.”
“Can you suspend your sense of disbelief for a moment?” Frog asked.
“I don’t know that I can,” Funny Bunny replied. “I value accuracy in storytelling. Attention to detail is important. Right, Toona?”
“Hm?” Toona said. “Oh, I expelled my disbelief long ago. I’m ready to believe just about anything now. Carry on, my dear frog. The story is getting interesting.”
Ralph and Smokey tried to run, but they couldn’t keep their balance amid Nate’s mighty jumps. At last Ralph yielded.
“Okay! What is it you want to know?”
“That’s more like it,” said Nate. “Tell me why your department is inflating the value of real estate assets!”
Ralph looked over at Smokey in confusion. “I was told we were supposed to be doing that.”
“So was I,” said Smokey.
“Told by whom?” asked Nate. Ralph answered. “By the Boss.”
“Which boss?”
“Umm…the Boss. That’s what the memos said. ‘The Boss.’ The e-mail address checked out. The domain name was our company’s and the account was ‘The Boss.’ Clearly it came from the Boss.”
“Who has an e-mail account called ‘The Boss’?”
“The Boss, I assume. Who else? Anyway, when the Boss tells you it’s what you need to do, you’d better do it, right? I didn’t completely understand it, but the memo said it was for regulatory reasons, and I’m not in the Compliance department. Best not to argue when it’s for compliance, am I right? So I did my best. Inflated and deflated assets, changed how we realized income every week, changed how values were rounded off, reevaluated our intangible assets a bunch of times, varied our depreciation and amortization schedules, made some changes to our write-offs, made the indicated corrections to the cash and cash equivalents, and moved a bunch of stuff into the ‘other assets,’ ‘other liabilities,’ and ‘other expenses’ categories.”
“I did all that,” Smokey objected.
“Not very well,” Ralph countered. “I had to correct your work multiple times.”
“Correct my work? You’re the sloppy one. I’ve had a mind to fire you a few times this year.”
“And how do you intend to do that?”
“Guys!” Nate chimed in. “You can bicker later! So, bottom line, you both have been cooking the books for a while now, but you both thought it was ordered by your boss for compliance reasons?”
“Well—yeah,” said Ralph.
“‘Bout sums it up,” Smokey agreed.
“And neither of you can name the exact individual who gave you those instructions.”
Smokey looked perplexed. “It’s the Boss.”
Nate considered his options and stepped outside the bouncy house. “Have a nice day.”
Ralph and Smokey hesitated for a moment and then bolted, squealing. Nate went back to his office and thought to check his messages. Ollie had called. Nate called back.
“What’s the story, Ollie?”
“Care to pop in for a bit? I’ve got something to show you.”
“Can’t just tell me over the phone?”
“I suppose maybe I could, but what’s the fun of that? I’d rather show you, anyway.”
“I’ll be over soon.”
Nate hung up and realized something wasn’t quite right. The mess on his desk wasn’t quite how he had left it. He was sure of that. That stain there—was that a bit of mud? And now that he was paying more attention, he thought he saw some faint four-toed footprints in the carpet. He glanced about as he left the office, but whoever had been there had come and gone. He looked up and headed toward Ollie’s.
The whole way there, he felt like he was being followed. He never saw anyone following him when he glanced about, and he took a complex route as usual, but he just couldn’t shake the feeling.
Ollie greeted him at the door this time. “Come in! Need any refreshments?”
“Got any crickets?”
“I’ll check the fridge. Make y’self at home.”
Nate drifted into the sitting room and saw the D&Z corporate documents in several piles all over the coffee table and other surfaces. Ollie wandered in a minute later holding a bowl.
“No crickets, but I have some termites, if that will do.”
“That’s fine.”
“Excellent. So…yeah. You can see I’ve been hard at work.”
“I see that.”
“Those documents tell quite a tale. On its own, each document is confusing. Why doctor the records in such an obvious way? But I realized, it’s not about the mistakes you can see. It’s about what you don’t see.”
“I don’t follow.”
“D&Z holds majority and minority stakes in a lot of companies, but there’s one of them that managed to disappear from the books. A note in one filing shows a fair amount of cash invested in shares of a Mad Hatter LLC, but I can’t find any traces of it later except that it might be in Misc. There are a few pieces of property I can’t find many records of as well. I took some notes here. Maybe you can find out what happened to them.”
Nate glanced at the handwritten list. “I’ll see what I can find.”
“Did you talk to the accountants?”
“Yeah, they both sang. And I know a thing or two about singing.”
“Anything interesting there?”
“They’re both patsies. Someone told them they had to make all those changes to be compliant. Someone just called ‘The Boss.’”
“You believe them?”
“I do,” Nate replied. “They didn’t seem capable of being behind all this.”
“You think it goes to the top?”
“I need to find out.”
“Right. Well, you want to take a closer look at some of the details here first?”
“Sure.”
They drank, snacked, and pored over documents the rest of the evening. It was quite late when Nate stepped out to head back to the office. He immediately recalled his sense of being followed, but he neither saw nor heard any evidence of pursuit as he made his way back through the city. When he reached his office, the door was cracked open. He readied himself mentally for danger and cautiously opened the door. A familiar figure sat in his chair, calmly gazing back at him.
“Good evening, Nate,” said his visitor.
“Good evening, Jimi,” Nate replied. “This is unexpected. I thought you never wanted to see me again.”
“That was before I found out we were working the same case.”
“Writing a story about me?” said the real Jimi behind Frog. Frog turned to see the dog standing there.
“There’s a character based on you,” Frog said.
Funny Bunny shouted from the bed. “We’ve been following along from here. I have it up on my phone.”
“Can you share that document?” Jimi asked. “I’d like to get caught up.”
“Sure thing. There you go. It’s a little slow and dry so far, but I’m holding out to see where I come in.”
Frog frowned thoughtfully. “Is it really too slow and dry?”
“I just don’t feel invested in the action,” Funny Bunny replied. “It needs something to drive it forward.”
“Like what?”
Toona cleared his throat. “In my creative writing classes, I learned of many techniques. One is to identify an object that all characters pursue. A ‘McMuffin,’ if you will.”
“Do you like the story so far?” Frog asked him.
“I am so far intrigued.”
“Okay. Well, I’m going back to typing now.”
Jimi held up a paw. “One moment while I catch up.” Frog could see he now wore a pair of reading glasses. His eyes went back and forth as he scrolled through the text. “Mm-Hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. You may proceed.”
Nate frowned. “What do you mean we’re working the same case?”
“Z hired me,” Jimi replied. “She suspects D may be up to something. She showed me a lot of documents that tell a compelling story. As soon as I started sniffing around, I found out you were doing the same. You talked to the accountants, I see. What did they say?”
“That they got e-mails from someone called ‘The Boss’ claiming they’d get in trouble with Compliance if they didn’t change all sorts of data.”
“Yeah, that matches what I found. I’ve been monitoring their calls and messages for a day now. It’s all very confusing, but I think those two are patsies. You ask me, either D or Z is behind it.”
“But how do we know which one? And why would they both hire detectives if one of them is the culprit?”
Jimi held up a paw.
“Hoof,” the real Jimi said behind Frog. “Horses have hooves, not paws.”
“Of course, my mistake,” Frog said. He backed up, applied some white-out, and continued.
Jimi held up a hoof. “Just one reason,” he said. “To throw us off the scent. Whichever one is in on it knew the other was investigating and decided to get ahead of it.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what the motive is here. D and Z head a rich and powerful corporation. Why take the risk at all?”
“That depends on what they’re after. You and I both know that kind of money and power do funny things to a person.”
“You say you’ve been tapping their calls and messages. Did you go to Toad for that?”
“Hold on!” shouted Funny Bunny. “Who’s Toad based on?”
He’s an old acquaintance of mine,” Frog said. “You’ve never met him. We used to be friends, but…it’s complicated. Anyway, can I continue, please?”
“Carry on.”
Jimi nodded. “Toad got me right in. I know more about the office drama at that company than I ever wanted to now. There were just a few things so far that didn’t smell right. And I have an excellent sense of smell.”
“That’s true,” the real Jimi said. “I do have an excellent sense of smell.”
Frog kept typing. Fake Jimi continued.
“There were a few e-mails back and forth with this company I never heard of.”
“Mad Hatter?” Nate asked.
“Yeah. How’d you know?”
“Ollie found out about it from all those documents.”
“I see. One of the messages had a list of addresses. I jotted them down. There’s one not too far from here; I figured I’d go check it out tonight.”
“I’d rather do it tomorrow,” Nate replied. “I’m about dead on my feet.”
“Too bad,” Jimi said. “I ain’t waiting. Just thought you might like to tag along for old times’ sake.”
“Even after what happened?”
“I left Chicago behind,” Jimi replied, “and so should you.”
Real Jimi spoke from the bed. “What happened in Chicago?”
“He hasn’t decided yet!” Funny Bunny answered. “He’s just teasing us with it for now.”
“Oh. I hope that has a payoff.”
“That’s what I said!”
“I can’t talk you into waiting a day?” Nate asked Jimi.
“‘Fraid not,” Jimi replied. He rose. “I left the address here on your desk in case you change your mind. Fine if you don’t. Get some rest, old timer.”
“Old timer, huh?”
“If you’re missing out to take a nap, yeah. But to each their own. I tell you what. I might even tell you what I find.” Jimi walked to the door. “Take care of yourself, Nate.”
“Watch your six, Jimi.”
Jimi nodded and left. Nate sat down and stared at the address on the scrap of paper Jimi had left behind. Part of him thought he should have gone, but he knew he wasn’t at his best. He might not be old, but he wasn’t his spryest, either. If there was trouble waiting for him, he wanted to be ready for it. It would be better to see this place for the first time in daylight, anyway. Less risk that way.
He settled in and slept.
When he awoke, sunlight was coming in through the blinds. Still a bit stiff, he rose and was about to head out for a bite and some coffee when he heard a pair arguing outside his door. He listened. They seemed to be arguing about lunch. Then it was about the essential nature of lunch. Then one sneezed.
“Bless you,” said Nate.
“Thank you,” said a gentle baritone voice, and the philosophical discussion outside the door continued. At last he thought he heard a gentle rapping on the door. He opened it. A bundle of shoelaces in the shape of a rabbit and a cuddly-looking white bear stood there, dressed in snappy suits.
“Here I am, finally!” Funny Bunny exclaimed from the bed. “Proceed, Frog!”
The well-dressed rabbit shouted at Nate. “I’ve been knocking for five minutes straight!”
“Sorry,” said Nate. “I didn’t hear. Your lace caps make a soft sound.”
“Oh, so now you’re mocking my arms, eh? Think I’m weak, eh?”
“Um, no, I just—“
“Well, BIG MISTAKE, BUSTER! Do you know who we are?”
“No,” Nate replied.
The bear held out his hand. “Pleased to meet you. My name is Toona. This is Funny Bunny. And you are?”
“We know who he is!” Funny Bunny Shouted. “He’s the mook who sent those phishing messages to our accountants! Well, we found ya, bub! Whaddaya think of that?!”
“I think you must have at least an okay tech team,” Nate answered. “So you’re from D&Z, then?”
“Oh, figured it out, huh? Guess that’s why this guy’s a private I, Toona. That’s some real deduction there! Yeah, Wiseguy. We’re the legal team. You poked the wrong hornets’ nest, buddy! We know who and where you are!”
“You’re currently in this room,” Toona added with a nod.
Funny Bunny side-eyed Toona impatiently. “Right. So anyway, don’t think you can get away with such stunts. Don’t mess with us if you know what’s good for you!”
“And if you don’t know what’s good for you,” Toona added, “you should definitely read up on it. A healthy diet and exercise are key, and good sleep is very important, and don’t neglect your mental health. Unchecked stress can be a killer. Have you taken time lately for you?”
“We’re getting off-track here,” Funny Bunny said. “I think we’ve made our point. Hacking our servers and interrogating our employees will not be tolerated!”
Nate gave a puzzled look. “Hacking your servers? I wouldn’t even know how.”
“Don’t play dumb! I know it was you! Well, you can forget about that! I’ve shut that little operation down! Anything you wanna know, talk to our receptionist!”
“So, are you here to tell me you’re filing charges, then?”
“Charges? Would ya listen to this guy, Toona? Charges. Nah, ya mook, we don’t need to file charges. I can tell you’re just an amateur who poked his nose where it didn’t belong. But consider yourself warned! I can send so much strongly worded, tedious paperwork at you you’ll wish you’d never been born!”
“I consider myself warned,” Nate replied. “So, then, if that’s all…”
“All for now, but you watch your step, bub. We’re keeping our eyes on you.”
“Yeah!” Toona chimed in, gazing intently at Nate.
Funny Bunny left. Toona backed out of the room, eyes still on Nate.
“This is hard already,” Toona noted. “I can’t see where I’m stepping. Can I look away from him now?”
“Just come on!” Funny Bunny replied. Toona turned with some hesitation and ambled away.
“Is everyone there the same size?” Jimi asked.
Frog turned. Funny Bunny shouted.
“I was totally about to ask that question! That is absolutely not an obvious detail I overlooked!”
Frog shrugged. “Well, yeah. I just thought it would be simpler if everyone were about the same size. Then I don’t have to worry about the setting as much.”
“Thoroughly absurd! Just saying!” said Funny Bunny.
“I’m fine with it,” Jimi said.
Funny Bunny flashed Jimi an incredulous look. “Oh, yeah? A bunny as big as a horse? A frog that sits comfortably at a desk the same height as Dot? That’s fine with you?”
“Yeah. Makes sense as a trapping of the world. I’m completely fine with it.”
“Huh. Looks like you’ve got an easy audience right now, Frog. Continue.”
Frog nearly argued but thought better of it.
Nate watched out the grimy window as the lawyers mounted their electric self-driving corporate unicycles and sped off. Then he grabbed the address Jimi had given him and headed out.
He stopped to get some breakfast and a cup of Joe before going to the site to see what was up. The property seemed quiet. Too quiet. The building itself might have had potential once, but it looked at this point like something you’d see on a restoration show. Definitely an as-is situation; nothing he’d expect D&Z to want.
He peeked in the dusty windows before daring to venture in. Just because the place looked abandoned didn’t mean it was. As far as he could tell, all was quiet within. The street was quiet, too. He tried the door. It opened. He walked in.
The building was once a dental office, it seemed. That’s the impression Nate got from what was left of the dusty fixtures and debris that remained. From the dust covering everything, that must have been long ago.
The light was dim, but he managed to make out several pawprints in the dust. His old partner must have been there.
“Don’t you mean hoofprints?” Jimi asked.
“Sorry,” said Frog with a sigh. He pulled out the whiteout and made the correction.
Nate made his way through the dusty front office to a hallway leading to several other rooms. The hoofprints led in both directions down the hall. The doors were open, and he peeked into each room as he passed. Old counters, sinks, and cleaning chairs greeted him. Nothing caught his eye in the first few rooms, but at the fourth he stopped. A gaping hole yawned in the middle of the room, and as he crept closer, he could hear what sounded like distant wind.
“Hold it right there!” someone barked nearby, and Nates head whipped toward the sound.
Two pugs stood at the other end of the hall, curly tails wagging. One was somewhat slimmer than the other, with a longer neck and legs, but both looked strong. They might have looked intimidating if they hadn’t seemed so friendly.
“I was just leaving,” Nate said.
“You sure are,” the stouter one said. “With us. You’re under arrest for trespassing.”
“Oh, you’re police? I didn’t see any badges.”
“Badges?” the slim one scoffed. “I don’t think we need those. Do we need badges, Winston?”
Winston looked over at him uneasily. “Yeah, Herbert. I told you we needed those. It’s in the manual.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t know. I ate my copy of the manual.”
“I told you you needed that.”
“You’re always saying things. ‘Blah, blah, you need the manual. Stop chewing on your badge, blah, blah. Don’t pee on the captain, blah, blah, blah. So much talking. Makes me want to bite your jaw.”
Herbert latched onto Winston’s cheek, then, and Winston shook him off with some effort.
“Would you cut that out?” Winston said.
“I’ll just be going,” Nate said.
“Please stay there,” Winston replied. He turned to Herbert. “It hurts when you do that.”
“Aw, c’mon, it’s fun,” Herbert continued. “Hey, trespasser, help me out here. Chewing cheeks is good clean fun, yeah?”
“I’m not getting in the middle of this,” Nate said.
“It’s unprofessional,” Winston replied.
Nate looked back and forth. “I’m still not sure you’re cops.”
Herbert spoke to Winston. “Show him your badge.”
“I can’t!” Winston said. “You chewed it up this morning!”
“Oh, yeah. I remember. Light, with brassy notes. Just take our word, guy. We’re cops.”
“I don’t believe you,” Nate said.
“See?” said Winston. “He doesn’t believe us.”
“Let’s just grab him!” Herbert said, moving toward Nate.
Nate took a moment to assess the situation. “Time to run,” he muttered, and he rushed toward Herbert and sprang over his head. Herbert wasn’t expecting that and didn’t quite manage to close his mouth on the frog’s foot as it went by. Nate managed to dash by Winston as well and kept going. His pursuers were hot on his heels, but adrenaline kept him going.
He burst through the door and made his way down the sidewalk, then cut right into an alley. Outside, surely he had the advantage. If he could just get to water…but before long he began to tire, and then suddenly Herbert landed in front of him from he knew not even where. He stopped, breathing heavily.
“Oh, man,” Herbert said, “I love chases. I’ll give you a minute if you want to try that again.”
“Stop wasting time,” Winston said. He lifted Nate up and bound his hands. “Let’s check him for weapons.”
Winston and Herbert proceeded, then, to sniff Nate all over. It tickled enough that Nate had to resist laughing a couple times. After a bit, he began to feel a little uncomfortable.
“Okay, guys, this is getting awkward,” he said.
Winston stopped. “He’s clean. Let’s take him in.”
Nate chose not to resist, particularly given how easily Winston lifted him. The pug was strong. Before long he was sitting in a room in the local police station, occasionally glancing at the two-way mirror and camera and taking the opportunity to run through what he knew so far about the case. Eventually the door opened, and in walked the same two pugs who had arrested him.
“Okay, hold up!” Funny Bunny shouted. “Who are these guys? Are they made up?”
“They’re real,” Frog answered. “I’ve actually known them a while. I just rarely see them.”
“So how come they’re already in multiple scenes? How come my character just gets a really short cameo, with absolutely no kung-fu or laser beams, incidentally, and now we’re already seeing the return of the pugs? That’s way imbalanced. You need to give the audience more of what they want.”
“Mind if I finish?”
“Sure, whatever. Don’t let me stop you.”
Frog continued.
Winston sat calmly in one of the chairs across from Nate. Herbert turned the other chair around and sat in it backwards.
“We’ve got you solid,” Herbert stated.
“Solid,” Winston agreed.
“Show him the file, Winston.”
Winston pulled a thick folio out of who knows where and let it drop on the table with a thud. Herbert pointed to it.
“We know everything, as you can see, so you may as well confess.”
Nate eyed the folio skeptically. “What’s in there?”
“Oh, I think you know.”
“Not really. Unless it’s just a bunch of scrap paper you gathered together in a hurry.”
“It’s not. It’s lots and lots of really incriminating evidence.”
“I think it’s scrap paper.”
“It’s not.”
“Then show me.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because…I can’t disclose facts about an ongoing investigation.”
“But you said I already know what’s in there.”
“You do.”
“Then show me.”
“No.”
Winston cut in. “What can you tell us about the bank heist you pulled two weeks ago?”
Nate’s face showed his confusion then. “What bank heist?”
“You know. We know you were involved. We’re just hoping you’ll make this easier for yourself and cooperate. What was in the safety deposit box? Who helped you? How did you know exactly what to steal?”
“Remind me again who owned that box.”
“Don’t play dumb,” Herbert said. “We both know you stole something from D&Z. What was in the box, Mr. Phibeus?”
“What makes you think it was me?”
“Your prints were all over the place.”
“Impossible. Show me.”
Winston reached inside the folio and pulled out two pieces of paper with copies of fingerprints on them.
“Oh, there’s real stuff in there,” Herbert said, and then he caught himself. “Oh, yes, just like I was saying. See, Mr. Phibeus? Real stuff.”
Nate examined the two sets of fingerprints. “These are identical.”
“Exactly,” said Winston.
“No, I mean they’re completely identical. They’re both the set you took today.”
“Nevermind that for now,” Winston said, putting the papers back inside the folio and pulling out a photograph of a wall lined with security boxes. Nate was standing there, face clearly identifiable, holding a box.
“Is that you?” Winston asked.
“Yes,” Nate admitted, “but this image was clearly photoshopped.”
“Oh, yeah? Why is that?”
“For one thing, that’s an odd place to have a camera. But also, the textures and shadows don’t match. And there’s sloppy cropping there. This must have been done in a hurry.”
Frustrated, Winston put the photo back into the folio. “Let’s try something else. Why were you trespassing in that building today?”
“For a case. Someone’s up to something shady at D&Z. Probably the same person who sent you those falsified documents, unless you did that yourself.”
“Those came straight from the Cap’n,” Herbert returned.
“The who, now?”
“The Cap’n.”
“Are you trying to say ‘Captain’?”
“No. Well, yes. I mean, it must have been the Captain, but the e-mails said ‘Cap’n.’”
“You didn’t think that was suspicious?”
“You don’t question the Cap’n,” Winston replied. “Cap’n tells you to do something, you do it.”
“Yes, but wouldn’t the real captain spell the word ‘captain’ correctly? And wouldn’t you recognize the e-mail address?”
“I wouldn’t dare nit-pick my captain’s spelling.”
“Sure. Sure. So you both got messages from the ‘Cap’n.’ Any tech problems recently?”
“Well, there was that horrible virus a few weeks ago,” Herbert answered. “Real nasty one.”
“I got that, too,” said Winston.
“Yeah. Got a pop-up one day letting me know my computer had a horrible virus. So I clicked the button to fix it. Got a message right after saying my computer was right as rain.”
“Yep, me, too,” Winston said.
They heard what sounded like the faint sound of a power drill outside the room, then, and Winston jumped up and ran to the door.
“HEY!” he shouted. “HEY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!”
Nate was confused. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, he gets like that when we have work done at the station,” Herbert replied. “It’s no big deal.”
Winston shouted and shouted. Spit flew out of his mouth onto the door, and he scratched and scratched at it. Herbert calmly walked over to him, smiling, and shouted some, too. He got a bit close to Winston for a moment, and Winston snapped at him. Herbert jerked away, watched Winston warily, and then joined in shouting some more. After several minutes of this, they stopped and listened. They heard nothing outside. Herbert and Winston returned to their seats, Herbert smiling and Winston still trembling a bit, one eye twitching.
“Ah, good times,” Herbert said. Winston said nothing. He trembled and twitched.
Nate just watched them both for a minute, now a bit disturbed, and then tentatively spoke.
“So you got a pop-up asking you to click a button, which you did, and now you’re getting e-mails from the ‘Cap’n’ with ‘evidence’ attached and instructions on what to do with it.”
“Yep,” said Herbert. “That’s how we knew you were at that building, in fact. The Cap’n somehow knew you were there. Amazing intuition, our Cap’n.”
“I see. And before that, someone stole something from D&Z at a bank.”
“Yep.”
“What other crimes have I committed? Wait—before you answer, could I have some paper and a pen? So I can work on my confession while we talk.”
“Oh, sure,” said Herbert. He passed Nate a pen. “Winston, could you hand him some of that scrap paper?”
Winston scowled at Herbert and pulled a mostly-blank sheet of paper from the folio.
“Thanks,” Nate said. “Okay, you were reminding me of the specific crimes I need to confess to.”
“Right. So there was another break-in on the other side of town.”
“What address?”
“One Two Three Fake Street.”
“Okay. I know where that is. Anything stolen?”
“Not that we know of. But lots of loud noises. And we have you connected to the theft of D&Z proprietary digging equipment.”
“Something that might dig a hole a couple of feet wide in an enclosed space?”
“I don’t quite remember, but that sounds about right. And—what’s that, Winston?”
Winston whispered to Herbert again.
“What?” Herbert said. “What do you mean he’s interrogating me now? I’m helping him to take notes for his confession. Oh—yeah, that actually tracks.” He waggled a paw at Nate while smiling slyly. “You. You’re good. You’re real good. Had me going there. So you’re not really writing a confession, are you?”
“No,” Nate confessed, “but I appreciate the leads.”
“Okay, you were right this time,” Herbert said to Winston. He looked at Nate. “This is why I keep this guy around. He’s got the big brains, eh, buddy?”
He latched onto Winston’s cheek with his jaw and pulled. Winston struggled to pull away.
“Cut that out!” Winston said. “Ow! Let go!”
Nate watched, at a loss for words. There was a knock on the door.
“WHAT?!” Winston shouted with a ferocity that startled both Nate and his partner. The door opened.
“Orders from above,” said the officer at the door. Winston went to the door and took a note from the officer and walked back to his seat while reading it.
“I don’t know what friend of yours just came to your rescue,” he said, “but it looks like you’re a free frog, Mr. Phibeus.”
Nate was genuinely confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Yeah, me neither, but them’s the breaks. So off you go, then.”
“Thank you,” said Nate, still confused but not wanting to argue.
“I’ll escort you out,” said Herbert. They walked through the station to the exit. Herbert got the door for him. “Hey, this was fun,” Herbert said, smiling. “Come around anytime. We’ll catch up, maybe grab some snacks.”
“Uh—sure,” Nate said, and he stepped out.
A car sat at the curb outside, engine running. Just an ordinary sedan, light brown and looking not quite brand new—but somehow out of place. A rear door opened as he approached, and a familiar bespectacled face gazed at him. He walked up to the car.
“Get in” said D.
“I prefer to walk.”
“Don’t be a wiseguy. We need to talk. Get in.”
Nate pocketed his notes and the pen the pugs had neglected to take from him and got in. This meeting was inevitable, really. Better to get it over with. He closed the door, and the car drove off. He realized then that there was no driver.
“I’m no longer sure you understand the meaning of ‘discreet,’ D began.
“I did my best to break into that office quietly.”
“I’m sure. And I’m sure you did your best to gently kidnap my accountants.”
“That was necessary.”
“That was reckless. Was it worth it? What did you learn?”
“Quite a bit, actually. Including from those police detectives I interrogated. That was all part of the plan.”
D smiled. “In that case, beautifully executed. Are you closer to figuring out who is falsifying records and why?”
Nate hesitated. D took note.
“You wonder if I’m the culprit,” she said.
“The possibility occurred to me.”
“I can assure you, I have no reason to do any of that. What are they even after?”
“I don’t know, but it involves a lot of theft and digging at night.”
“Digging?”
“Yes. Tunneling, actually, I think. There was a deep hole in that old office I broke into. It sounds like there was digging at another D&Z site as well. And a theft of a security box.”
“I know about the theft,” she affirmed. “I didn’t know how it was connected.”
“Do you now?”
“I have an idea.”
“What was in the box?” Nate asked. D was silent. “I can’t do my job without knowing all the facts.”
“You first,” she returned. “I hired you. What did you learn from the accountants?”
“They thought they were following orders from the top. ‘The Boss,’ they kept saying. I think this ‘Boss’ knows how to spoof e-mail and hacked into the police department server to misdirect the police. Whoever it is knows how to manipulate people and has an uncanny knowledge of your company. That can’t be very many people. I just don’t know what they’re after.”
Dot sat in silence for a few minutes before responding. “I trust you, so I’ll tell you what was in the box. It’s Z’s address.”
“Um…her what? Does that really require that much security?”
“The location of Z’s house is quasi-paradoxical and requires advanced quantum calculations to deduce. It’s also where she keeps some of her greatest secrets.”
“So Z can’t be the culprit.”
“No. Z has the equation memorized. I tried to memorize it, but I don’t do well with rote memorization of numbers.”
“Really? You run a multi-billion dollar company.”
“I have other talents. Memory isn’t one. I’m not even sure what day it is. Is this the fifth? Sixth? I’ve had to consult the calendar fifteen times today. Or so. I don’t know. So Zoyla wrote it down and put it in the vault. Only I had a key. So neither of us had any reason to steal it.”
“Oh. Well, that leaves fewer suspects.”
“It does. What was the address on that other building where you say there was digging?”
“One Two Three Fake Street.”
There was a moment of recognition, and then D’s face was once again inscrutable “Thank you, Mr. Phibeus. I consider your services rendered. I no longer require your assistance. Expect the rest of your fee shortly.”
“Umm—but—does that mean you know who it is? And what they want?”
“We’ve arrived at your office, Mr. Phibeus. Do take care.”
The door opened itself, and he saw they had arrived at his office. He looked back at her, at a loss, and then stepped out. The car sped away. Nate stood on the sidewalk outside the grimy office building, confused, disappointed, and empty. He walked inside and to his office. The door was open. Jimi was in his chair again.
“I thought you might have got caught,” Nate said.
“Me? Never,” Jimi replied. “I’m as fast as the wind. And I can tell when there’s danger. I got out of there before anyone could see me. Why the long face?”
“I’m off the case.”
“Because you got arrested?”
“No, because I apparently cracked it. I just met with D. She and Z are both innocent, by the way.”
“Yeah, I figured that one out.”
“Oh. Tell me in a minute. Anyway, D knows who it is. She didn’t say so, but I saw that look when I mentioned the address of the second break-in. You know the look.”
“The ‘ah-ha’ look.”
“That’s the one. Only she didn’t tell me the ah-ha. Just told me I was done and promised to send the rest of my fee. So I guess that’s it.”
Jimi scoffed. “You satisfied with that?”
“No.”
“Good. Because that kind of thing never stopped us before. You want to finish this case with me?”
“Absolutely. So Z hasn’t dropped you yet?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t checked my voice mail today. Does it matter?”
“No. Let’s do this. I just…don’t know what exactly to do from here.”
“We have a few leads. Including a couple holes to go down. Not even metaphorically. We literally have our choice of holes.”
“Umm…maybe we go spelunking later,” said Nate. “I think something’s about to happen tonight. And I think both D and Z will be there.”
“Indeed. So, then, our next move is obvious.”
“Follow them.”
“Yep. So stakeout. We wait for them to leave D&Z headquarters and follow them.”
“Cool!” Nate exclaimed. “So…you have a car, right? I’m kinda between transportation methods.”
“Really? You really need to get better at finances. Okay. Not a problem. We’ll use mine. I’ll meet you a block south of there at five forty-five. Both D and Z usually head out of the office around six. We’ll follow whichever one emerges first. Until then, stay chill.”
With that, Jimi walked out of Nate’s office.
There was nothing to do for a little while but kill time. Nate played solitaire, played a little poker against himself, and when he began to suspect he had caught onto his tells, switched to just listening to some music. He played his own cheeks as percussion in time to the music. At last he glanced at the clock and saw it was time to head out.
He spotted Jimi’s car from a few hundred feet away and hurried to it. Jimi unlocked the doors on seeing him, and Nate slid into the passenger seat. Jimi passed him a box of dried crickets.
“Stakeout snacks.”
“I’m not hungry yet. Is that what you’re having?”
“No, I’ve got this,” Jimi said, shaking a bag of mixed jerky. “I’ve got beverages, too. This should be a short one, but no sense not coming prepared.”
“Sounds good. So, uh…doing okay for yourself, then?”
“Yeah, I get by. Still get a few decent cases here and there. Mostly finding things, but every now and again something different. You…seem like you haven’t done much lately.”
“Business has been slow.”
“Ah.”
They sat in awkward silence for a bit. At last Nate grabbed a bottle of water and sipped at it.
“Gotta stay moist,” he said.
Jimi nodded.
“So,” Nate went on, “is that good jerky?”
“Are we on this again?”
“No. Just making conversation.”
“I’m a meat-eating horse. It’s a thing. Look it up.”
“Okay. I’m not arguing.”
“Seemed like you were implying something.”
“I’m not implying anything.”
“Okay.” Jimi waited a moment. “And yes. Very good jerky.”
“Excellent.”
More silence passed. “So,” Nate started again, “we’ll be able to see them going from here? I don’t see the front entrance or the exit to the parking garage.”
“We’ll see them. I will, anyway. And hear them. Probably smell them. My senses are sharp.”
There was a tap on the driver-side window, then, and Jimi and Nate both started and turned. Two bespectacled eyes, a forehead, and hair with the tops of a couple pigtails were just visible. Jimi opened the window and tried to act nonchalant.
“Can I help you?”
“I could ask the same,” D said. “Are you stalking me and Z?”
“Stalking? No. I see why you might think so given where we are, but Nate and I are just catching up. Didn’t realize at first where we were.”
“Sure. Well, since I’m probably not getting rid of you anytime soon, would you two like to ride with me? It’ll be more efficient, and you may come in handy.”
“Really, we’re just—“
“She knows,” Nate said. “Just agree.”
“Fine,” said Jimi. “Let’s go.”
“I’m right behind you,” D replied.
Nate and Jimi looked behind them, and sure enough, a purple vehicle was behind them.
“Huh,” said Jimi. “Didn’t notice that there.”
“We might not be especially good at stakeouts,” Nate commented.
They got out and got into the other car. The interior was somehow more spacious than its exterior had suggested.
“Whoa,” said Nate. “It’s bigger on the—“
“I’m stopping you there,” said a voice nearby, and Nate realized Z was sitting a short distance away. Z met his gaze and went on. “It’s a branding thing. That sentence is currently taken. I suggest ‘the interior is roomier than it appears from outside’ or, if you’re feeling technical, ‘the volume varies according to the frame of reference of the observer.’ I won’t bore you with the explanation of how it works. It’s all quite spacey-wacey.”
D got in behind Nate and Jimi and nodded to Z. “We all set?”
“Ready to roll,” Z confirmed. The car pulled away. “So,” she continued, “it’s good to see the two of you can work together after what happened in Chicago.”
“Stop teasing us!” Funny Bunny shouted. “Are you EVER going to actually tell us what happened in Chicago?”
“I’m getting to it,” Frog said.
Jimi eyed Nate and replied. “I’ve decided to move on.”
“Great!” said Z. “Moving on, then. You must be curious about what’s going on right now.”
“We’re missing some pieces of the story,” Nate replied.
“Right you are! Let’s catch you up. Those addresses you gave us won’t have meant anything to you, but D and I recognized them. There will be two other dig sites you didn’t find, you can be sure. Our sneaking friend was looking for the four cornerstones of Missouri.”
“The what now?”
“The four cornerstones of Missouri are necessary to unlocking the true power of the state. Them, plus some water from the Mississippi river, plus the Centerpiece.”
“And that last piece is…”
“In my house. Not just anyone can find it. I don’t give many people directions. Not very many people know how to find all of those artifacts or how to use them. The suspect list is quite small. Add the other things you told my associate here, and there’s only one possibility left.”
“Who is that?”
D answered. “If we’re right, you’ll see. We’ll be at our destination soon. It’ll happen at sunset.”
They rode quietly the rest of the way, which was just a few more minutes.
The sun was nearly set when they got out of the car. The sky was turning pink, and they were in the shadows of the nearby buildings. Nate looked around in surprise.
“This is my office building. I never noticed a house here before.”
“I don’t think it’s been here before,” Z replied, “but I calculate a greater than ninety-nine percent chance we’ll find it here. Oh—hello there!”
“Toona, it’s you?” D asked.
Toona looked over and smiled. “Yes, I am me. Good to see you. I was told to bring this heavy bag right here.” He lifted a small bag near him, and they heard rocks clacking inside. “How are you all?”
D looked around. “Funny Bunny, where are you?”
A voice sounded from the shadows between two buildings nearby.
“So, you figured it out, huh?”
Funny Bunny emerged from the shadows slowly.
“Hang on!” the real Funny Bunny shouted behind Frog. “I’m the VILLAIN now?”
“Um…well…” Frog said, not sure what to say. “Yeah. I mean, I thought about a lot of ways this could go, and it just seemed to make sense.”
Toona looked over at Funny Bunny. “You do have sort of a villain-ish sort of way about you.”
Jimi nodded. “Yes, definitely. I concur.”
Funny Bunny stared at his friends as gape-mouthed as his knotted head would allow. At last he relaxed his face and shrugged.
“Fair enough. But I’m waiting for my awesome scene. My character isn’t sufficiently cool. Continue, Frog.”
D and Z gazed cooly at their anthropomorphized shoestring-based rodentian legal counsel.
“It’s over,” D said. “We found you before you could finish.”
“That’s what you think,” Funny Bunny returned. He grabbed the bag of rocks from Toona. “Just try and stop me.”
“You can’t even get in. You don’t have the key.”
Funny Bunny lifted a random brick and took a key from it.
Z nodded to D. “You were right. That wasn’t secure.”
Nate peered intently about. “I still don’t see the house.”
“Try changing your perspective,” offered Z.
Nate moved about a bit, looked away and then back, and saw the house there, right where Funny Bunny stood.
“Whoa,” Nate said.
“Should we get him?” D asked.
Z weighed her options. “Yeah.”
“Not so fast!” Funny Bunny shouted. He pulled a phone out of his pocket. “You know that remote control for your infinite bag?”
“Yeah,” Z replied. “I lost it in the couch cushions earlier. You’ll have to go inside to get it.”
“Not true! I studied it and made an app for it! Now I can control your bag with my phone!”
Z’s bag popped out of her pocket, then, and landed on the ground nearby. It opened, and a glowing mass of swirling energy came out.
“Not again,” Z said, and she and D were dragged slowly toward the bag. Nate and Jimi, farther away, felt the tug but resisted. D went first into the bag. Z flapped her wings but couldn’t fight it. Nate and Jimi started toward her to help, but Z put out a hand. “No! You’ll get sucked in.” Then, quieter, “Buy us time.” Then she went in.
“Mwahaha!” Funny Bunny exclaimed. “Was that good? Did I do a good villain laugh?” He looked over at Toona, who gave a “so-so” motion with his paw. “Fine. Okay, you other two! Into the bag! Augh! Why isn’t it working?”
“Maybe some sort of inverse-square law,” Toona offered. “Or inverse-cube, or something. There are some extra dimensions at play here.”
Funny Bunny gave a frustrated groan. “You and your weirdly inconsistent command of math! Fine!”
He turned the bag off. “Just don’t get in my way!”
“Wait!” Nate shouted.
Funny Bunny sighed. “What?”
“You haven’t given the speech.”
“What speech?”
“The speech explaining your nefarious scheme.”
“Why would I waste time on that? Is that a thing? Toona, is that a thing?”
“I believe he is correct,” Toona said.
Funny Bunny grumbled. “I wish I’d read all the fine print before doing this. Okay, fine. Even though I don’t have any notes prepared or anything. Can I at least just do like a Cliffnotes version? Keep it short?”
Toona considered. “I don’t believe there is a required length. However, a brief manifesto is typically in order. What is your motive as a villain?”
“My motive? Heck, I don’t know. I just got bored. Being legal counsel for a major corporation can be a drag. I just thought stealing boatloads of power would mix it up a bit. And I could finally arrange the break room the way I like it.”
“Oh! With like a disco ball and such?”
“Sure. Maybe. Anyway, my position gives me access to all sorts of secrets. Plus, I know how to manipulate people. Like Toona over here. He’s pretty suggestible. I can usually get him to think whatever I want him to think.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about that,” Toona said.
“You feel happy about it.”
“Oh. Cool, then.”
“Anyway,” Funny Bunny went on, “I hacked some things, stole some stuff, and now I’m about to take control of Missouri. So…I think that about covers it.”
Nate’s mind raced. “You still haven’t used the darkness in my own past as a weapon against me.”
“What? That can’t be obligatory at this point, can it?”
“It’s missing from his character arc,” Toona said.
“And that’s MY responsibility now?”
“I don’t make the rules.”
Funny Bunny sighed. “Fine.” He spoke to Nate. “You think you can judge me?” he asked. “What about the things you’ve done? Remember what happened in Chicago?”
Nate did remember. He remembered all too clearly.
Funny Bunny watched Nate’s face impatiently. “What is this? What’s happening?”
“I think you triggered a flashback scene,” Toona said.
Funny Bunny consulted the spot on his left lace arm where he would have worn his watch if he had worn his watch. “I don’t really have time for this.”
Toona shrugged. “Gotta let it play out now.”
It was a few years ago, and Nate and Jimi, working together, had just solved a major case for the city. The case was so important that the local news interviewed them about it afterward. That was when it all went south. Early on in the interview, the reporter had referred to Jimi as a dog. Jimi quickly interjected to correct that to “horse.” A minute later it happened again, and this time, Jimi, annoyed at the treatment, questioned the reporter’s integrity. The reporter countered that Jimi was indeed a dog, and Jimi asked Nate to back him up.
Nate, much to his later regret, froze up and said nothing. Hurt and angry, Jimi walked away from the interview, and Nate wouldn’t see him again for a few years.
“What?!” Funny Bunny yelled from the bed. “That’s it?! That’s what you’ve been teasing us with this whole time? An awkward moment?”
“Wow,” said Jimi. “I thought I liked Nate. Now, I don’t know. A guy who won’t back up his partner who’s being maligned…I don’t know. I don’t think I can get past that.”
“I’m going for a redemption arc here,” Frog said.
“Yeah, I don’t know,” said Jimi. “Right now, it seems like Nate is kind of a jerk.”
“None of that matters!” Funny Bunny cut in. “All that matters right now is how lame this hero/villain confrontation is. No kung-fu or laser beams at all! I’m not sure why I’m reading this.”
Frog sat there a moment, deflated. Then he stood and left the room.
Dot was on the couch watching TV and munching on some celery and peanut butter when he got out there. She saw him sit by her, looking glum.
“Hey, Frog,” she said. “You okay?”
“Just feeling defeated,” he said.
“Oh? Why’s that?”
“I’ve been working on writing a story, and Funny Bunny and Jimi both hate it. I think I’m wasting my time.”
“You’re writing a story? Neat! What’s it about?”
“I’m a detective, and I get hired to solve a big mystery involving D&Z, and…it doesn’t matter.”
“About D&Z? So you used us all for inspiration, huh?”
“Yeah. I guess that was a mistake. I should have done something original. Except I apparently don’t know how to make the story interesting and the main character likable.”
“Who said that? Funny Bunny and Jimi?”
“Yeah.”
“How much of it did they read?”
“Most of it. I’m almost done.”
“Funny Bunny stuck with it most of the way through? That’s impressive. He gets bored easily.”
Frog cocked an earhole at her. “That’s true.”
“Did Jimi say what he didn’t like about it?”
“He didn’t like the twist near the end about the hero’s past.”
“Hmm. Can I read it?”
“Yeah, sure. Funny Bunny probably already ripped it apart on the internet.”
Dot pulled out her phone and tapped the screen a bit. “Oh, yeah, he posted a link to the ‘ongoing manuscript.’ Let’s see…”
Frog sat uncomfortably as Dot read through it. His heart lightened a bit when he heard her laugh. She chuckled a few more times over the next several minutes, and then she set her phone down.
“I think it’s not bad for a first story,” she said.
“It’s good?”
“Yeah. I mean, it could use some polish, but I was entertained. And you got us pretty well. I actually have some concerns about how much accurate information you have in there about D&Z. You especially did well capturing the essence of Funny Bunny and Toona.”
“Thank you.”
“Except for the main plot, which is made up, it’s all entirely true. And I’d like to see how it ends.”
“Oh. I guess I’ll finish, then, just so you don’t have to be in the dark. But I don’t know if I’ve really got what it takes to write a great book.”
“Well, what made you want to do it at all?”
“Well, I just…have a lot of creative energy, you know? Now that I’ve retired from the live performance circuit, I just want to do something creative. And I always thought it would be neat to write a book.”
“So you’re doing it for you.”
“Yeah.”
“Then go do it for you. Ignore what Jimi and Funny Bunny say. Especially Funny Bunny. He’s lying about not liking it.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. That he’s stayed interested in it this long is high praise.”
Frog jumped up. “Thanks, Dot. I’ve got work to do.”
“Go get it.”
Frog strode into the bedroom again and sat down sharply at his typewriter.
“Thought you’d quit,” Funny Bunny said.
“No, just needed to recharge. Okay. Let’s wrap this up.”
Funny Bunny, standing impatiently next to Z’s house, listened to Nate’s story of betrayal.
“Man,” he said. “That is just messed up! Leaving your partner in the cold like that! How can you stand to look at him after that, Jimi?”
Jimi looked over at Nate and back at Funny Bunny. “I did some soul searching and decided to let the anger go. Everyone deserves a second chance.
“Thanks,” Nate said. “You’re a good horse, Jimi.”
They bumped fists.
“Yeckh,” Funny Bunny protested. “Alright. Fine. Very heartwarming. Okay, any more obligatory delays?”
Nate looked over to Jimi. “Any ideas?”
“Well—and I’m just spitballing here—we could just fight him.”
“Sounds good. Get him!”
They rushed at Funny Bunny, who immediately assumed a crouching tiger stance. He threw Nate to the side and dodged a swipe by Jimi, dancing deftly to the side and leaping high on Jimi’s back. Jimi tried to roll over the bunny, who kicked off of him and flipped over Nate. Before Nate could turn, Funny Bunny kicked him into Jimi. He darted here, there, and everywhere, and Nate and Jimi got knocked about mightily as they tried to catch him. At last, wounded and winded, they saw the bunny land right next to Z’s door.
“You lose!” Funny Bunny shouted, and he turned to put the key into the lock. The door opened before he could turn the key. D and Z stood there, backlit by a golden glow from apparently the entire interior.
“Wha—“ Funny Bunny started. “How—“
From D’s hand flew a golden lasso, and Funny Bunny was caught before he could say any more.
D grinned. “I’ve always wanted to use that.”
“Where’d you come from?!” Funny Bunny exclaimed.
Z answered him. “The bag, silly. Oh—you thought that was the only way in there? Oh, no. I have lots of ways in and out. I let a friend of mine store some of her stuff in there for a while using an entrance in a carpet bag. A cheeky one, that; keeps claiming she’s practically perfect in every way. Right. The jig’s up, then, Funny Bunny. Did I miss the villain speech?”
“By several minutes,” Jimi replied.
“Dang. Oh well.”
“Should have taken that other route,” D said.
“I know, but I wanted to go shopping. Twenty percent off is a really good deal for that. So…could I get the summary?”
Nate answered her. “He’s bored and wants the break room arranged differently.”
“Oh. Okay. That’s all fixable.”
“So, are we calling the police?”
“Eh…seems like a hassle. D? You feel like having him arrested?”
D shrugged. “That sounds like a lot of paperwork. I think we can just put him to use.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. We need someone with that level of skill at manipulating people. Funny Bunny, in addition to being half of our legal team, how do you feel about head of marketing?”
“Hmm…” Funny Bunny said. “Could be fun. Can I have very little oversight?”
“Just don’t let any liability stick to us.”
“Oh, that’s no problem. I got a list of patsies a mile long. What about the break room?”
“Eh, I don’t know. What are you thinking?”
“Could we get a bigger TV with a gaming station?”
“Sure.”
“Cool. Um…you can have your house key back.”
“Thank you,” Z said, taking the key. “I’ll take those cornerstones, too. I won’t be briefing you on their location this time.”
“Fair enough.”
Dot looked at the two detectives. “You two will be paid shortly. There’ll be a little bonus for helping us apprehend him. So, do you think you two will ever be a team again, or was this a one-off?”
Frog and Jimi met each other’s gaze.
“I could give it a try,” Jimi said. “We do better as a team.”
“Agreed,” said Nate.
“Excellent. Jimi, do you need a ride to your car?”
“No. I’ll walk. It’s a nice evening.”
“It is. Alright, then. See you.”
D, Z, and their two lawyers left in the company car. Nate and Jimi looked around.
“You want to grab a bite on the way?” Jimi asked.
“Sure. I know a good place.”
They started off. “So,” said Jimi, “what’s with the cramped and shabby office?”
“Oh, I was in a bit of a dark place there for a bit.”
“I see. Let’s get some better digs. I’m thinking someplace near a cafe.”
“Sounds good. So, what all have you been up to?”
They chatted as they strode away into the night.
Frog pulled the last sheet of paper out and sat it down on the pile. Funny Bunny tapped a bit on his phone.
“And…posted. You should start seeing reviews within a day.”
“I wasn’t sure I even wanted to publish it.”
“As your agent, I advise you to publish quickly. Gotta keep things moving.”
“I never hired you as my agent.”
“Irrelevant.”
“Did you like it?”
“Eh, it was fine. I liked that there was a kung-fu scene.”
“Toona? What did you think?”
“Oh,” said Toona, “I am still digesting it. It follows the usual Aristotelian plot model, but the pacing is a touch unconventional. The tension was a bit light, but the characters seemed believable, and the ending was satisfying. Four stars, I think.”
“Thanks. Jimi?”
“I liked the redemption arc,” Jimi said. “I decided I was too quick to judge Nate. We all make mistakes. In the end, he seemed sufficiently contrite.”
“So…you liked it?”
“Sure. I guess. I’d like to see if this has staying power or if it fizzles out in the sequel.”
“Oh—I wasn’t intending to write a sequel.”
“Oh. I see. Too bad. It seemed like a good setup. But whatever. I’m going back to napping.”
He wandered off. Funny Bunny got a text on his phone, and he and Toona rushed off as they so often did for some reason.
“I LIKED IT,” said the Boogeyman.
“Thanks, Boogeyman,” Frog said. He hopped up to the window and looked out. The late afternoon sun was nice. He sighed with content.
