Seanna, Empress of the Newts Episode Pi: The Army of Bob

By: Christopher Edmund Nelson

It was a stormy day in Newtopia when the evil Pen-goo-wins came.

They came in the rain, dark strangers with white faces and beaks as orange as devil's flame. There was malice in their hearts and fish on their breath.

The newts suspected nothing. They were busy with the greatest celebration of the year, the Festival of Pie. Decorations were strewn about, delicious smells came from every store, and everywhere could be heard the strains of the classic pie carols:

I like pie, you like pie, we all like pie, pie is good...

In the evening, hundreds gathered in Seanna Square for the annual lighting of the Statue of Seanna. Lights shone on the statue year-round, but on this occasion lots more were added for extra pizzazz. The statue was magnificent, if a little unsettling. It was true to life in every detail. Seanna stood ten stories high, hands on her hips, giving no one in particular a funny look.

Seanna was loved throughout the land. Some said she was as wise as she was just, while others said she was just a wiseass, but all adored her for her quick wit and excellent hygiene. Bards sang of her heroic deeds such as the Great Dish Washing of Year 10 and her handling of the terrifying Stinky Cat Box Disaster.

This was the year 12 in the Year of Our Newt. As her subjects lit the statue, Seanna was reposing in her Great Palace of Awesomeness and chatting with her newt attendant.

"Ok," she said, "what does a newt eat for dessert?"

"I don't know, Your Extreme Awesomeness."

"Fig newtons!" Seanna replied.

Her aide laughed. "Oh, that one NEVER gets old!"

There was a knock on the door. "Newt!" the guards challenged.

"Salamander newt!" came the password from the other side.

The guards let the visitor in. It was a soldier of the third amphibious division. He stood before the throne and saluted.


Seanna returned the salute. "Noot."

"Your Extreme Awesomeness, we are being invaded."

"Impossible!" cried Seanna. "No one has ever got past our defense."

Newtopia had one nearly impregnable defense: no one ever wanted to go there. All great armies of the past had found it impossible to deny that it was, by and large, not a place worth taking over.

"Somehow, they are here, Noot," said the guard.

Seanna decided to be dramatic and stroked her chin. "Indeed. Very well, then, I shall ride to meet them, Noot!"

She majestically strode to the elevator and went to the lobby, where she bought some soda at a vending machine before setting out on her bicycle to greet the evil Pen-goo-win army.

"Ah, good," said a tall Pen-goo-win. "I demanded to see your leader, and I see you have bowed to my demand."

"What are you after?!" Seanna demanded.

"Well, we demanded to speak to your, there was something after that..."

The Pen-goo-win glanced around at his lesser fellows, who did their best to shrug shoulders. He looked back at Seanna.

"What do you want?"

"I asked first," she replied.


"So, I call dibs on the question."

"I call returns."

"There are no returns."

"Yes there are."





"What do you want?!"

The Pen-goo-win looked around again as though to confirm something and looked back. "What do you want?"

Seanna gave him a funny look. At that moment, she looked very much like her statue.

"Fine," she said. "I demand to know your name, foul fish-breathed waddling demon."

"My name," said the large bird, pausing for dramatic effect, "is Bob."

"Bob," Seanna replied.

"Yes, Bob. Ruler of the great army of the Pen-goo-wins. And we-"

And here he waved a flipper wing to indicate all the Pen-goo-wins.

"-have come here to take over this place..."

"Newtopia, Sir," came a voice from behind him.

"Newtopia, yes. God, what a stupid name for a country. Well, anyway, I hereby take this land for the Pen-goo-wins and declare it Bobland."

Seanna laughed. "You and what army?"

Bob waved the flipper wing again. "This one--the army of the Pen-goo-wins."

"Oh, yes, right. Commander!"

The commander of the 29th amphibious brigade hurried to her side. "Noot! Yes, orders, Your Extreme Awesomeness!"

Bob looked quizzical. "Your Extreme Awesomeness?"

"YE-A!" Seanna replied, turning back to the commander. "Noot! We will speak in Newt-Code, Noot!"

The commander saluted. "Noot! Understood, Noot!"

"I can understand you perfectly," said Bob.

Seanna gave Bob a glance and continued. "Noot! Their forces are vulnerable in the rear! We should sneak around them. Noot!"

"Seriously," continued Bob. "You're just saying 'Noot' at the beginning and end. I'm following every word."

"Noot! Agreed!" responded the commander to Seanna. "My brigade will sneak around them to the west, Noot!"

Seanna stroked her chin again. "Indeed. Noot, they will not have a chance, Noot!"

Bob spoke up again. "You're an eediot. I will kill you all now."

Seanna turned her funny look on Bob again. "You can't kill us. You're just a bunch of Pen-goo-wins."

"We're especially fast and fierce in the water."

Seanna looked around. "We're not under water."

Bob looked around as well. "We could be."

"But we're not."

There was a pause. "Feel like a swim?" Bob suggested.

"Noot!" was all Seanna said.

"Awfuly warm for a rainy day. Perhaps we could continue this conversation in a lake or, at least, a medium-sized pond?"


"Swimming pool?"


"Will you stop saying 'Noot' already?!"


Bob tried to stare Seanna down. Seanna gave him a most Newtish look. Seanna was the next one to speak.

"Did you bring any food with you?"

Bob snorted. "How would we carry all that with us? Look at us! We have flippers instead of hands!"

Seanna stroked her chin again. "Indeed. So, then, you're just a bunch of hungry Pen-goo-wins."

"No!" Bob shouted hotly. "We are the ever-so- ferociously fearsome Army of Bob!"

"And you're hungry," Seanna added.

Bob paused. "Yes."

"And you're a bunch of Pen-goo-wins."


"Ah. Indeed. We have delicious pie in town if you would like to purchase some."

"I'm not here to buy pie!"

"Do you have money?"


"Well, you'll have to work for your pie, then."

"I tell you, we need no pie!"

Seanna began a round of pie carols. The Newts sang with her. The stomachs of the Pen-goo-win army rumbled as she sang. Soon, some of the Pen-goo-wins joined in.

"Chomping through the pie, with my pie- hole opened wide...pie pie pie pie pie...I like pie..."

They sang such classics as "Stand By Your Pie" and "Save the Last Slice for Me." Smells of pumpkin, cherry, apples, and other fillings wafted over the battlefield, and Seanna slowly began to march the Pen-goo-wins into town. In droves they waddled into the restaurants, cafes, and bakeries, where they soon joined the townsfolk in feasting.

As they had no money, the Pen-goo-wins paid for their pie by washing dishes and by entertaining customers with traditional Pen-goo-win line dancing. Photos were snapped, friends were made, and some of the Pen-goo-wins elected to stay behind and apply for Newt citizenship.

Bob left the town and continued to try to build an army to create his empire. He is rumored to have run afoul of a legion of crazed demon hamsters bent on crushing all who oppose them and has not been heard from since.

To Be Continued...